Saturday, March 15, 2008

The one that deserved alot more.

I have been blogging about each one of my children separately (well Aysha, I didn't really go into much, but will come back to her), and Chris is my hardest child to talk about. With Chris, I have to go way back into some history. Chris is 24 and has had a very rough life. When he was 18 months old his biological mother left him with his father and never returned. His father (my ex-husband) was not a good person and took out alot of his anger on Chris. I met Chris a month after he turned 5. He was so cute and I started out right away wanting to be his mommy. From early on in the dating process, I started taking over as his mom. He spent the night at my house with my parents during many of the weekends. I would have to handle problems at his school. By the time I had found out my EX's true colors I was already in love with this new son of mine and I wasn't even married yet. When I finally realized how bad his father was (just a few months before our wedding), I couldn't turn my back on Chris. I remember how young I thought back then, I remember telling a co-worker that I was going to marry my EX then adopt Chris and then divorce my EX and get custody of Chris. Most of this never happened. I never adopted Chris, although we did try to go thru the process, but I did divorce his father, 13 years of pure hell later. Chris got a bad end of a stick. His craved his fathers love something awful, his new mom had a hard time dealing with this child who would lie and cover up for his father all 13 years. I understand why he did it, it was just hard to deal with, when I felt that the reason I had endured so much was for him. Chris had some behavioral issues, yet most of them were not that bad. He was dx'd with ADD which is no biggie since I have ADHD, we both can't organize for the life of us! lol Anywho, he had it rough, he never got to go on family vacations because we didn't go on any but one, which happened the first year we were married. He had no idea what a real family should be like. His parents were at each others throats all the time. Oh, one of the worst times was when Mercede was a little under a year old and I decided to leave my EX. I went to my parents. My EX called me up and has Chris on another phone and he tells Chris that I left because I didn't love Chris. This to a 7 year old child. That is how ugly my EX was. Course I went back to protect Chris, I knew I would have no rights to see him if I divorced his father. A few months later I was going to leave him again but found myself with another pregnacy. Then for the rest of my marriage, I didn't leave because I didn't know how to with two kids with special needs and the fear of what he would do to my girls, when he had his custody time with them. Chris knew I wanted to leave his father but never understood the whole reality of why. My ex would so something bad and then blame it on my son and Chris would fess up to it to protect his father. Chris is super smart but always had a hard time in school. He got bad grades, refused to do homework (would say he didn't have any) and refused to take meds for ADD (the meds really helped him and I am not sure why he refused them to this day, but I stopped trying to get him to take them). I took alot away from Chris. I told him he had to do better in school in order to get things. So he missed alot of activities, he should of been in. My girls were in dance, horse riding, pottery, gymnastics. Chris had no activities. He always wanted to be in Karate but I told him he had to study first. One year I sent him to a church camp. To this day, that was his fondest memory. He never got to go again because he didn't get his grades up to go again. I look back and realize that I did everything so wrong. I should of been getting professional help for all of us. He was flunking out of HighSchool and we knew there was only one hope. It was a school that had a bad rep for BAD KIDS. It was a public school for troubled kids but it was specialized with small classes and lots of attention. He refused to go to it and they would only take kids who wanted to go to it. Now my EX told lots of lies all the time, but the only lie he told that I apreciate, is when he called the school and told them Chris had changed his mind. Chris excelled in that school. Went from D's and F's to A's and B's. He was one of their top students and even got to go to Boys State (thank goodness that is another fond memory for him). I know now that I should of provided him with lots of activities and he would of done better. I can't change that now though. When Chris was 19, I left his father leaving almost everything I owned. I also walked out of my home, not saying goodbye to Chris. He was at home, when I went to pack up my photo albums and some clothes for me. My bedroom was downstairs and I had a door that went right out to my car. I couldn't take any of the girls stuff because their rooms were across from his. He had no idea that I was leaving. It was awful not telling him. If I had to do it again, I still would of had to do that the same way. If I would of told him, he would of called his father to tell him. I had to have time to get away first. I had a sheriff delivering Orders of Protection to my EX that day, to keep the girls and I safe (although, it really doesn't mean that much, alot of women get killed or hurt after having these served). Imagine my son's shock when his father calls him screaming asking if I am there? Imagine the horror he had to have felt during it all. But if he would of known, his dad would of taken it out on him. I knew he would always stand by his father, because he always wanted to prove he was worth his fathers love. Something that his father would always be unable to give, because he isn't the kind of person who can love in a real way.

My son was a great brother to his sisters. He loves them and has never been bothered by them having DS . He did alot of babysitting for me before I left my ex. I used to work long hours in a factory and my son would watch them for hours at a time. He tried going to college after highschool but the big classes were too hard for him to pay attention too. So he worked in fast food for years. Not long after I divorced my EX, my son's bio mothers sister found him on the internet. Then he got into touch with his bio mom after not seeing her since he was 18 months old. Almost two years ago, she sent him a one way bus ticket to her home and he has been there since. I haven't seen him in this time. He hasn't been able to raise the money to come visit. He calls me all the time, I am still "Mom" but he also has another "Mom" now. I'm so happy that he has got to be with the other mom. He needed this, I know, to feel he wasn't just forgotten and thrown away. He has had no contact with his father for a few years and I know this is hard for him. I've had almost no contact with his father, except the birthday and Christmas cards he sends the girls (which they refuse to look at, since they do not want him in their life). I hope Chris gets a better second half of life then his first half. I also hope we get to see him soon. He is about a 12 hour drive from me. I need to make it though. I love him and his sisters all miss him. It is so odd thinking I saw him almost everyday and later every week after I met him, but now haven't seen him in almost 2 years. I still need to be a better mom!

The picture I posted is the most recent pic I have of him. My parents got to visit him and his other family last fall. He is going back to college now and this was in front of it.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Carrier

Aysha is the first child without DS I gave birth too. She is a carrier of the Translocation 21/14 like I am. I often wonder if I will bring her up right. When she grows up and has children, I hope she never will consider termination. If she does, to me it will mean, I failed as a mother. I worry about what life will be like in 20 years for her when she may be ready to have a child. Will they have a testing stick to put on your tongue, to tell you if your baby has a chromosome problem? Will insurance refuse to cover a child brought into this world when the parents knew there was a "problem", maybe insurances will be paying for terminations but nothing other for the child born with a disability.

I ask God to help me raise my daughter to realize that all life is special, that every life is worth something. That she will always be close to her sisters. Maybe she will be one of the very few people in the next generation that is willing to have a baby, no matter what. I sure hope so.